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Hetanko Grumpmaster

By Machaeon

Hetanko in Sslanis
  • Name

    Hetanko Grumpmaster   pron: Het-ank-oh (Not He-tank-o, that's a He-tank-NO)

  • Age

    Unknown (Birthday: Unknown)

  • Short Description

    Hetanko is a generally irritable and antisocial Sslik as the name implies. As with all Sslik, he has odd mannerisms in how he speaks.


  • Nickname

    (Greater) Leezard, Leezlord, The Grump

  • Birthday


  • Occupation

    Shaman-Healer and Grand Master Crafter. He spends the majority of his time as a Shaman, severely weakening his enemies while he drains their life force away with spirit magic. If the mood strikes him, he can also be convinced to change tactics to that of a Healer, putting outgoing damage on the back burner and focusing on keeping his allies alive.

  • Species

    Sslik (lizard-like humanoid from Istaria)

  • Gender

    Like all Sslik, he was born with both male and female reproductive parts, though he more identifies with his "masculine side". After one too many run-ins with Vocis, he decided to get rid of his reproductive organs entirely, rendering him entirely sterile.

  • Significant Other

    Vocis Curator (a Satyr, who he calls 'ugly goat thing') is only significant in that she tries to get him to love her back.

  • Family

    Unknown, he wouldn't look for them even if he did remember them.

  • Physical Description

    He is tall for a Sslik, has green scales with a stripe pattern over his body were he to strip down. Like many Sslik, he has short nubby horns over his head and a feather mohawk he arranges around the bright red fin on his head.

  • Personality

    Misanthropic doesn't begin to cover it... he generally dislikes all beings of any species, and he essentially just wants to be left alone to do his own thing. Which includes tending his garden.

  • Sexuality

    He'd have to feel love before he feels lust of any kind... and he's pretty incapable of feeling love.

  • Voice

    His voice is fairly gravelly and might be compared to what a frog would sound like if it could talk.

  • Back Story

    Hetanko likely grew up in Sslanis among the Sslik since that's where the majority of that race settled, but he can't and won't confirm or deny that. At some point after he reached adulthood, he died and resurrected at the Sslanis shrine, which is the first thing he remembers. Not long after that, he met Machaeon who repeatedly helped him reach large milestones in his training as a Gifted, which is why he at least tolerates her while everybody else is on the "NOPE" list.

    After mastering several forms of bipedal combat and becoming a Grand Master Crafter, he bought land outside of Sslanis to build on.

  • Ongoing Story

    Hetanko largely stays out of most things, but where he is in the public light, he's grumpy at a minimum but will provide crafted goods for a price and assist in killing things, largely for his own entertainment and personal gain, but he will keep others alive in the process.

  • Likes/Dislikes

    Likes: Spiders, adorning his plot of land with flowers... and skulls, watching two "annoying things" smack each other around (he'll sometimes deliberately escalate tensions between two people who don't like each other already to sit back and watch the fireworks), he also will also deliberately attempt to make people uncomfortable... if that involves stripping naked so be it.

    Dislikes: Most things, especially anyone or anything that happens to annoy him. Touching him in any way is unacceptable and he will make sure to at the very least threaten to remove limbs.

  • Strengths/Weaknesses

    Strengths: Hetanko is very skilled in the magical arts, particularly in spirit magic which is generally used to drain an opponent's life force to replenish your own. He is also often available to avoid and evade incoming attacks, and can be quite difficult to kill due to these skills.

    Weaknesses: He is physically quite weak for a Sslik, to the point where he prefers to have others to do his heavy lifting for him (This most often turns out to be Machaeon).

  • Extra

    He refers to himself most often as "Leezard" or "Leezlord", less often as "Hetanko" or in abstract first or third person.

    He refers to pretty much everyone else as "______ thing" where he names them by a trait or feature he finds prominent. The default is essentially "annoying thing", but Ssliks at least get the designation of being "lesser leezards" and dragons generally get "winged thing" before he picks out some other trait to call them by.


  • Hetanko Grumpmaster
    Hetanko in Sslanis
  • Hetanko Grumpmaster
    Burn. All of you burn.
  • Hetanko Grumpmaster
    Hetanko trying to make someone uncomfortable


  • Allergies?

    Stupid. Leezard is allergic to stupid.

  • Kind of clothing?

    Chainmail is for fighting, padded cloth is for less fighting, naked is for making annoying things uncomfortable.

  • First memory?

    Leezard remembers waking up confused and dazed at the shrine in Sslanis after his first death. He remembers nothing of his life before Leezard discovered the Gift.

  • Favorite animal?

    Spiders. They scare loud annoying things away.

  • Least favorite animal?


  • What element would they be?

    Grump is an element yes? No? It should be.

  • Theme song?

  • Alignment?

    Chaotic neutral or Chaotic evil... depends on how annoying the annoying thing is.

  • Deadly sin that best represents them?

    Wrath. Leezard has much inner rage.

  • Blood type?

    Red. Leezard questions why annoying things are concerned about his blood.

  • Special skills / talents?

    Leezard specializes in spirit magic.

  • Patience level?

    Leezard has much inner rage and little patience for you, annoying thing.

  • Regrets?

    Leezard regrets this interview. He wishes annoying thing would shut up now.

  • Favorite place?

    Away from annoying things.

  • Favorite foods?

    Cherute's Special Deadly Nightcap. When you drink to forget, there's nothing better. Shoo non-Gifted thing.

  • Favorite book?

  • Dream place to live?

    Sslik live in Sslanis, Leezard says [redacted] to Sslik and they can suck on a filthy [redacted] knuckle and [redacted] their mother. But Leezard agrees Sslanis is a nice place so he lives OUTSIDE of Sslanis to avoid the lesser leezards.

  • Pets?

    Blood Skulk with stupid face, Giant Black Widow for frightening annoying things away, and Christmas-themed mimic for when bitey-bitey pet is needed.

  • Weapon

    Bloodthorn Staff for the fun things... club and shield for the part where Leezard has to keep stupid things alive.

  • Smells like?


  • How do they feel about love?

    Love is for the stupid things. Lust is also for the stupid things that think with the wrong head.

  • Race, ethnicity and nationality?

    Sslik. Leezard begins to question annoying thing's intelligence.

  • What turns them on?

    Leezard does not turn on. Leezard is not a short-gear-obsessed-thing's tinker toy.

  • What turns them off?

    Annoying thing is now stupid thing. Leezard JUST said he does not turn on, why would he turn off?

  • If they transitioned from their world to ours, how would they react?

    "Oh good... more annoying stupid things."

  • Does their universe have a god?

    Kashaa is the only god who cares for the Sslik. Other gods can [redacted] off a ruxus's sweaty [redacted] for all Leezard cares

  • Pet peeves?

    No, pet is Peepers, not Peeves.

  • Religious and to what extent? Any spiritual beliefs?

    Stupid thing is stupid. Leezard already made this clear yes?

  • Random fact!

    Leezard avoids ugly goat-thing like the plague it is.

  • Role in a Disney movie

    Villain. Annoying things are not going to avoid Leezard's wrath.

  • Outlook on life?

    Leezard hates you all equally. Until you give him reason to hate you more.

  • Most important person in their life

    Leezard has cargo disk. That counts as important person, yes?

  • Favorite object?

    Leezard. Has. Cargo. Disk. Do you understand yet, stupid thing?

  • Wears jewelry?

    Only when jewelry makes it easier to get rid of annoying things. Yes get rid of! Burning is getting rid of.

  • Close friends?

    Leezard tolerates Machaeon. Green thing brings him things.

  • Views on gambling, lying, killing, etc...?

    If it wiggles your jigglies.... Leezard does not care what others do as long as they stay away. Leezard does as he pleases.

  • How much do they value money?

    Coin pays for things that make annoying things go away. Coin is good.

  • Wants to have kids, raise a family?

    Ugly goat thing tried. It cannot succed now. Leezard removed that possibility.

  • Anyone they really hate?

    Leezard hates you all equally. Stupid thing is horrible at listening.

  • What brings them the most joy?

    Watching two annoying things mutually destruct.

  • Are they ticklish?

    Leezard promises you will not have limbs if you try. Also no.

  • Would they dare kill someone?

    If it was entertaining or they had annoyed him in some way previously, yes.

  • Involved with magic or witchcraft?

    Spirit. Magic. Leezard told you already. Annoying thing does not pay attention.

  • Quote

    "Go away before Leezard sets you on fire."

  • Can they speak any accents?

    Is Sslik an accent, racist thing?

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